Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
