Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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