Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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