Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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