Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I believe in your delicious
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
