If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
