i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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