Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
