I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Let's get the cat blown out
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
