dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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