So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
