just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
