I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
