I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
