guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
