Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Randomize