just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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