be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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