Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
just found out that she named her cat after me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
