Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
