i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
