Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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