He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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