i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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