Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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