I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
