sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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