Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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