After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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