Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I have feelings that need drinking.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
