Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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