I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
