My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
