Michael Bay diarrhea
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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