i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
And then he peed in my hair
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