We're like a lot better than the average bears
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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