Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
