WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
