Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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