Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Hippo gnu deer
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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