I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
