the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
