Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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