the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
