That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
