No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
