My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
