Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
