Yo dont text me then not text me
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize