Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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