I wanna passion pit in your ass
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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