I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
