Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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