you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
