Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize