He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
