Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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