This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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