also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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